Recipes

Pulikachal:

Tamarind - size of a medium orange
Methi seeds - 1 tsp
Red chillies - 10-12 ( or to taste)
Hing - 1 heaped tsp
Urad dhal - 1 tbsp
Whole black channa (small size) - ¼ cup – can substitute gram dhal
Mustard seeds - 2 tsp
Groundnuts - 2 tbsp ( optional)
Salt,
Haldi
Gingelly oil - 4 tbsp

To tamarind add 1 cup of warm water, take a thick extract & strain.
Soak dhals for 1 hr & drain completely.
Cut chillies into small pieces.
Lightly dry roast methi seeds & powder with hing.
Heat 2 tbsp oil in a heavy vessel, temper mustard seeds & red chillies first.
Then add dhals & fry till they become dry, add haldi, salt & tamarind extract.
Boil the mixture on a medium flame.

When the “ sauce consistency “ is reached, add methi-hing powder, mix & remove.
Heat the remaining oil, fry groundnuts & add to the above.
If you add 4 tbsp oil in the beginning, the mixture will splash all over, when boiling. So always add half the oil, after removing from the flame.
When mixing with rice, add fresh curry leaves (raw) for a good flavour and some extra raw oil.
A little extra salt, if required, may be added.
Crush the red chillies with hand when mixing with rice and throw away so that there may not be many red chillies to pick out, while serving – This is optional.
This amount is sufficient for ½ kg rice.
This can be used with sevai, semiya, aval etc.

Enjoy...

How to make Stuffed Capsicum

Capsicums have a strong flavour that mixes well with Indian food. In this recipe I have used an instant mashed potato mix powder. It's available in most general stores and takes less than five seconds to whip up.
Step One: Wash capsicums. Slice them from the top and remove the seeds to make them hollow. You might have to remove the white parts from within as well. Slice a thin layer from the bottom, without cutting into the hollow, so that your capsicums can stand steadily.
Step Two: Heat oil in a pan and fry onions till they are light pink.
Step Three: Add ginger garlic paste and sauté for a minute.
Step Four: Add green chillies and keep stirring.
Step Five: Add the mashed potatoes, paneer, dhania leaves, salt, mango powder, red chilli powder and garam masala powder. Mix well while stirring. Cook for 2-3 minutes.
Step Six: Divide the mixture evenly and stuff into the six capsicums.
Step Seven: Place capsicums on a greased microwave dish. We use a square or rectangular glass bowl.
Cook uncovered in the microwave on high for four minutes.
Although there are only four stuffed capsicums, the size after stuffing is pretty big. One capsicum per person is about fair, since this won't be the only thing you serve. The best way to eat them is with your hands as you would a roll because the stuffing tends to fall out if you slice the capsicums with a knife. Serve with rice or roti

Cucumber - A very good vegetable !!!

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance..

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber with react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!

Ants Problem : Ants hate cucumbers. Keep the skin of cucumbers near the place or ant hole.


To get pure and clean ice : Boil water first before freezing.


To make the mirror shine : Clean with spirit


To remove chewing gum from clothes : Keep the cloth in the freezer for an hour.


To whiten white clothes : Soak white clothes in hot water with a slice of lemon for 10 minutes


To give a shine to hair : Add one teaspoon of vinegar to hair, then wash hair.


To get maximum juice out of lemons : Soak lemons in hot water for one hour, and then juice them.


To avoid smell of cabbage while cooking : Keep a piece of bread on the cabbage in the vessel while cooking.



.


To avoid tears while cutting onions : Chew gum.


To boil potatoes quickly : Skin one potato from one side only before boiling.




To remove ink from clothes : Put toothpaste on the ink spots generously and let it dry completely, then wash.


To skin sweet potatoes quickly : Soak in cold water immediately after boiling.


To get rid of mice or rats : sprinkle black pepper in places where you find mice or rats. They will run away.   

Jokes

Police arrested a drunkard & askd: Where r u goin?
Man: I'm goin 2 listen lecture on ill effcts of drinking..
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnite?
Man: My wife...
 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business?
Student: Father-in-Law!
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
---------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Beggar: Saab 12Rs do na coffee peeni hai.
Man: Lekin coffee to 6Rs ki hai?
Beggar: Par saab girlfrend bhi to hai.
Man: Bhikari hokar bhi GF banali.
Beggar: Na saab,GF ne Bhikari bana diya!
----- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Whats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow and sure!
-------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles? He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.
 -------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
 Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons
------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount
*********************/////////////////*****************************

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!' Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!' ***************************************** Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.' TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?' Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?' ************************************** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!' Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!' Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!' *************************************** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.' United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.' *************************************** A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?' Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.' *************************************** A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out aftertouching down. San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of therunway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'  * *************************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?' Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.' Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .. Why must I speak English?' Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!' *************************************** Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7' Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.' Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?' BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.' ***************************************** One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself? The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.' ************************************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airway s 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.' Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.' The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?' Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'! Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?' Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.' ****************************************** While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!' Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?' 'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

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CORPORATE AMERICA

1. THE GAME OF CHOICE FOR UNEMPLOYED OR MAINTENANCE LEVEL
WORKERS IS BASKETBALL.
2. THE GAME OF CHOICE FOR FRONTLINE WORKERS IS FOOTBALL.
3. THE GAME OF CHOICE FOR MEDDLE MANAGEMENT IS TENNIS.
4. THE GAME OF CHOICE FOR CEO's AND EXECUTIVES IS GOLF.

CONCLUSION:
------------------
THE HIGHER UP ON THE CORPORATE LADDER YOU ARE, THE SMALLER
YOUR BALLS.
.................../////////........................................///////////////
Ladies - Do not use a genteman's pool !!
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over..

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned,'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the Crocodiles.. .'

Some old men can still think fast.
..............................////////////............
SIPPING VODKA

It's funny A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous

on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning

of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded

to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the

following note on the door:


1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as

Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off

his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper

he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.'

He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:

Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

......................................./////////////////////////////////....................
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
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A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song...... (ha ha ha)

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Good old farts like you

................................................................./////////////////////////////...........................

A man bought a lie detector robot which will slap the person who lies & it goes on like this ....

Man : Son how u did ur xam??
Son : Done well & will get 90%
Man : Son please go n stand in front of the robot n tell the same
Son : Done well & will get 90%

ROBOT SLAPS THE SON - MAN GETS UP & COMES NEAR THE SON & CONTINUES

Man : Son it is disgusting to see you not doing well in academics & boldly telling lies to ur parents at this young age .... You know something ... when i was ur age I used get good grades & have been very true to my parents

ROBOT NOW SLAPS THE FATHER - WIFE COMES OVER ON SEEING THESE & SAYS TO THE MAN

Wife : Dear y r u getting annoyed for these?? He is a kid & we have to correct him ......(smiling) Afterall he is your son na ..... How can u expect him to be different ???

ROBOT SLAPS THE WIFE

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A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the 1st message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
...
-----------
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 17 December 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!
Yours
Loving Hubby....

………………………………………………………………………….

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A TV journalist, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car.

He started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.” The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
...........................................................

A salesman barged into the living room of a lady and poured cow droppings on the carpet. “Madam, if I cannot clean this up with the use of this vacuum cleaner, I will eat all this dung!” said the salesman.

“Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup?” asked the lady. The salesman asked, “Why, madam?” “There’s no electricity in the house young man,” said the lady

...........................................................

>>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>_____________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>>_____________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>WITNESS: None.
>>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>______________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>WITNESS: By death.
>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>______________________________________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>______________________________________

...........................................................

What are the three fastest ways of communication?
>Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
>
>*********************************************
>
>The positive thinking poem.
>Little birdy in the sky,
>You look up and it shits in your eye.
>You don't mind and you don't cry,
>You just thank God that cows don't fly.
>
>*************************************
>
>Sardar Apni Wife Ke Sath Coffee Shop Gaya, hot Coffee order Ki, Coffee
>Atte Hi wife Se Bola Jaldi Jaldi pee. Wife Boli Kyu?
>Sardar Bola Hot coffe Rs. 5 and Cold Coffee Rs. 10.00
>
>********************************
>
>Sardarji went to party and introduced his family to his friends.
>I am Sardar and this is sardarney,
>this is my kid and this is my kidney.

...........................................................

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.

...........................................................

2 Women in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Cassandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began 2 get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early 2 catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up in2 the attic and searched,and down in2 the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer we'd both still be alive!!

...........................................................

Guy is on flight and realised it's landing. Excited, he started yelling "Bombay Bombay" . Flight attendant yelled back at this guy - Ssshhhhh - "B" Silent. Guy started yelling again - "Ombay Ombay"....
.................../////////........................................///////////////
Guy to his friend: I think this girl is deaf
Friend: How do you know?
Guy: I said " I love her" and she replied her sandals are new

...........................................................

Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths’s (A grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.
He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Banta comes to Woolworth’s with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out.. He shouts at Banta: “What the….! This is shit you…!” and Banta calmly replies: “Yes, and I want toilet paper”.

...........................................................

These are extracts from actual letters sent to Leicester council and Housing associations written by Gujaratis:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And do note that their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

...........................................................

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO.....,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!

...........................................................

Blonde asked another blonde if Perth was far than the Moon. Blonde replied..
Helloooooooo" Ofcourse Perth!!! Can you see Perth?

...........................................................

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She
said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her
house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the
agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the
house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

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Blonde Year In Review
---------------------

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years".

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the car-top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120 pounds.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

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Kanjibhai visits the doctor
Kanjibhai walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room.

While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.

The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here Kkanjibbhai ?" Kanjibhai replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

Kanjibhai replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. " A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat ?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

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This is how a prof. explained marketing concepts to his students: -

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” – That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. Marry him.” – That’s Advertising.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” – That’s Telemarketing.

4. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: By the way, I’m rich. Will you marry me?” – That’s Public Relations.

5. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?” – That’s Brand Recognition.

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. – That’s Customer Feedback.

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. – That’s demand and supply gap.

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” and she goes with him – That’s competition eating into your market share.

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your wife arrives. – That’s restriction for entering new markets.

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BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR
DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the “fires”.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON (Arson is the crime of deliberately and maliciously setting fire to structures or wildland areas.) With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was Fist Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest

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A man bought a lie detector robot which will slap the person who lies & it goes on like this ....

Man : Son how u did ur xam??
Son : Done well & will get 90%
Man : Son please go n stand in front of the robot n tell the same
Son : Done well & will get 90%

ROBOT SLAPS THE SON - MAN GETS UP & COMES NEAR THE SON & CONTINUES

Man : Son it is disgusting to see you not doing well in academics & boldly telling lies to ur parents at this young age .... You know something ... when i was ur age I used get good grades & have been very true to my parents

ROBOT NOW SLAPS THE FATHER - WIFE COMES OVER ON SEEING THESE & SAYS TO THE MAN

Wife : Dear y r u getting annoyed for these?? He is a kid & we have to correct him ......(smiling) Afterall he is your son na ..... How can u expect him to be different ???

ROBOT SLAPS THE WIFE

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Once upon a time in Singapore,there lived a happy couple,Mr.& Mrs.Ng with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.
The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20,they were still virgins.Years passed,and it was time to get them married. So,the parents found them the most suitable " leng chais" (handsome guys). They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.

As 'concerned' parents,Mr.& Mrs.Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience.So,before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them......" Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity...you all
must use a code-name to describe your experiences". So, the excited daughters were off.

A week passed. Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the first letter.It was from Elaine.They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED.They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement."Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was...."BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY" Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.

A week later,they got another letter.This time it was from Ena.The content was simple. "NESCAFE".So,again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad."Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP".Mr.& Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.

Another week passed.A month passed.And another.There was still no letter from Ella. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came.It was scribbled and could hardly be
read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out.The code-name was "SINGAPORE
AIRLINES".Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a
newspaper.He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair. The motto was ..."7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".

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Seven Rabbits
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try it this way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

How many sheep
The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman .
"None? Norman , you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

Good Joke!!

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!

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The Boss
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.

The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

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Addicted to Adai
The expression, Adai is Dosai with a difference' is interesting.

Dosai, like a commoner, is draped in Dothi, whereas Adai is dressed up with
different types of dals and looks as if it is clad in Armani suit.
Dosai is a little choosi in its friends - only Mulakapodi, chutney or Sambar
alone can get along with it.
Adai, on the contrary, is a boisterous extrovert. Mulagapodi, chutney,
Sambar, butter, gur and curd are its team members. Preparation of Dosai does
not need dexterity.
It is as simple as finger turned offspin. Adai is as complicated as wrist
turned leg spin.
It needs the genius of a Shane Warne to shine.

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DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you re arrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you r rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington DC. One from Bangladesh, another from China and the third from India. The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run to about $900 ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me.)”

The Chinese contractor also measures and says, “I can do this job for $700 ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me.)”

The India contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the others! How did you come up with this figure?” The Indian contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the White House official.

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Nostalgic about Bombay (yes Bombay and not Mumbai) !!!!

The Bambaiya/Mumbai lingo….. it grows up on you.

Wat lavle!!

Baarati: A police raid. Dosawalla is called thambi. When u say ‘Kantaala aaya’ when u get bored..
When every idiot is called a Chagan..
When you refer to a bespectacled individual.. Double Battery or Double Battery Single Power…
When bolega, karega, jayega, padhega, etc. words are frequently used than bolunga, karunga, jaunga, padhunga, or bolengey, karengey, jayengey, padhengey, etc.
When your idea of a balancing act is latakna on the locals
When you use the words ‘Chal Re’ and ‘Nautanki’
when you say ‘ kya keedey kar raha hai yaar ‘
when you are in deep trouble n people come up 2 u n say…teri toh vaat lagi boss.!
when you think gurkha = watchman
when you tell the rickshaw driver “side mein dabaa dena”
appriciate your guy collegue for good job as ” Jhakas bunta / Buntai”
shopkeeper says that ’sab kuch khallas ho gaya’ meaning the stock got over..
When the you call tea , a CUTTING,
“halwa hai kya”…is not an easy task to do
when “aaai shappath” and “chailaaa” are used in most of ur convs…
watchman is a “nepali” and panwalla is a “bhaiyaa”

when ur watchmen says “gav ja rah hu” mean he is going to “NEPAL”
abe kaiko
while giving directions you refer to close by as “baaju” mein
arent potatoes and onions called batata kandha anyway
apni hindi ek trend hai . jaha bhi jao apunka style hota hai.
When ppl use the word Ghai and kantala and understand wat it means….
Aailaa, Kaaye ku, Kya re, Mereku/tereku/apunko, chal hat, pagal hai kya?, Aaee shapat.. are indispensable part of your vocabulary among others mentioned earlier.
corner is Khopcha …
When u tell the vendor/ shopkeeper/ roadside seller ‘Dene ka bhaav bolo!’ and he does.
You say “tension mat le yaar” to destress your friend.
when ‘pakna’ doesnt only mean cooking.
wen u cn ask ne stranger man….boss score kya hua hai…if hes listenin to radio…durin a cricket match….
Onion Pakodas are always Kanda Bhajji & theyare NEVER EVER made of onion rings!!!
when you have the chalta hain attitude, & firmly believe in live & let die
When you call something thick/fat “Jaadaa” and not “Motaa”
you say abey in every 3rd sentence
and u end it with the word ”re’
chipack k khada rehna in a crowded train is ur majburi while the same thing in a pub is an intimacy for u…
u say ALIBAG se aya hai kya.. for those who act stupid
You use the term ‘Bas Kya…!!!!’ instead of “come on”.
You know u r from Mumbai when … u call urself Apun ….
Guys it really took me months to address myself as Main or Hum. Even today I am comfortable addressing as Apun ko Maloom nahi etc ….
If someone asks you for a “PETI” or a “KHOKA”, you know they are not asking for boxes, bags or cartons.
kya biddu kidhar jarelaa
chal vat le aur patli gali se nikal
‘kaan me lagaa, yaar’
‘kaan mein tel dal ke aao, aur woh bhi GHASLETE (means kerosene)’ aur matchis ki kandi ko jala ke kaan mein daal phir theek sunai dega’
’sorry i mistook’ or ‘galti se mistake ho gaya yaar’
Around the world people refer to it as round-about but we call it ‘CIRCLE’
You say “Baskya” when your friend thanks you for anything.
You use the word “Raada” synonymously with “a fight”.

when you want shakkar in your chai. NOT chini (rest of India)
‘daap liya’ for frisking
‘hateli’or ‘eda’ for crazy
‘rokda’ for cash
‘kaanpatti’ for the area between your ear lobe and your nose
wen a rickshaw walla says ,a shanay metre ko haat maat laga …
Bus kya : (it actually means com’on don’t take me for granted)
dimaag ka dahi mat bana ( dont u bug me..
woh gaya tel lene (really doesn’t have anything to do with oil.. simply means: he isn’t important, forget him)
gaali diye bina din nahi khatam hota……….
u say ” kya ukhadega ” jus b4 an argument wid a starnger….
u use ‘mereko ‘ & ‘tereko’ instead of mujhe n tujhe..
Aye Bot Bhankas Ho gaya ha bus.
when a crowd is “gardi” and not “bheed”.
When you like Tea (Pani Kum Chai)
when you say “baaju” to ask people to move aside
when exclamations such as ‘Bhendiiiii!’, ‘Aila!’, ‘Maadhuurii’ are considered perfectly normal.
1 lakh = peti, 1 cr = khoka
If ‘jhol’ , ‘waat’, ‘rada’, ‘lafda’ are used in your vocab for ‘trouble’
“Boss, Jogeshwari kaunsa side pa aayega?” makes sense to you!

When you person call a a “tubelight”

you have no objection in ghoosofying in a line
You refer to firecrackers as “fatakda” and chewing gum as “cheeeengum”
“saala” and “ghanta” ares the most common words you hear around you.
when you call a watermelon “Kalingar” instead of “Terbus”
when “shaadi hai kya?”, “abbe aukaad mein reh” and ” chal na abhi, paka mat” are part of ur vocab
A for Aayla
B for Bhendi
C for Chindi
D for Dhasu
E for Ekdum
F for Fodrya
G for Ghanta
H for Harami
I for Item
J for Jhol
K for Kalti
L for Lada
M for Maal
N for Nastar
O for Ookhad
P for Punter
Q for Qeeda
R for Rapchick
S for Sumbdi
T for Tapori
U for Ungli
V for Vaat
W for Wohich
X for Xhun
Y for Yeda
Z for Zakaas

you know ‘bhai’ means a guy who has no brotherly feelings.
you know that a ‘cutting’ is not a piece of the newspaper or cloth.
you know that ‘Tchaila’ doesn’t mean ‘bring me a tea’.
you know what you are eating when you order a ‘ulti palti and a ‘brun maska’
you know ‘hafta’ doesn’t only mean ‘week’
you instinctively say “pudhey challa” instead of saying agey badho or move ahead.
you instinctively say “pudhey challa” instead of saying agey badho or move ahead.
“Chal, paka mat!” is an overused part of your vocabulary
You call a corner ‘khopchi’
You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty
You express disagreement by one word :”Ghanta”
When while giving directions you say “Right/ Left MARO aur wahan pe ek bridge GIREGA”
“Gheun Tak” is your life ideology.

5 ways to say Khallas

Tapka diya
Thok diya
Shot de diya
File de diya
Total kaam kar diya

Latest Codes

Spiderman: A gangster surfing the Web

Doosra Haath/Doosra Darwaza: Second mobile phone

Dabba: Computer

Bhai phone kar liya: Stealing a phone

Chivad chivad: Cop or mean guy (comes from Bedias)

Jaadugar: Intelligence Bureau

Bhaade ke gaadi: A prisoner who is handed over to an associate for sexual pleasure. Majority of the senior gangsters are known to have young undertrials under their tutelage. Most of them are sodomised in return for protection.

SRK: A shooter, as he is the main star of a killing squad

Azaan suna dena: Firing a round to scare a target or coercing him to speak to the don

Ball pen and refill: Ball pen is often referred to a country-made revolver by Dawood Ibrahim's men. When a gangster asks, "Ball pen me refill hain" it means checking whether the handgun is loaded.

Baarati: A police raid

Baarat Nikaalna: Getting someone arrested

What They Call The Dons

Dawood Ibrahim
Muchhad (When he sported a thick moustache)
Haji (As he visited Haj every year and kept a long beard)
Bull Dog (Because of his wrinkles)

Chhota Rajan
Chhota-Chhota Rajan-Nana-Robin-Vijay-Seth

Hemant Pujari: HP (Hindutsan Petroleum)
Ravi Pujari: BP (Bharat Petroleum)
Arun Gawli: Daddy
Ashwin Naik: Anna

Chhota Shakeel
Pao takla (When he started balding)
Haji (He inherited the nickname from Dawood)
CS (The abbreviation of Chhota Shakeel)